Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
I’m on the subway feeling like a bag of dicks and contemplating if I have any scrap of dignity left after my friend’s bachelorette party weekend. I’m almost at the Union Square stop when I reach my inevitable conclusion: no. Fortunately, I have at my fingertips someone even more of a joke than me--and it isn't the girl on the seat next to me sucking terribly at 2048. It is Chelsea Handler. Are you there, Vodka? It’s me, Chelsea is a collection of short, comical autobiographical essays that depict Handler’s ridiculousness at various ages. Turns out she hasn’t matured a bit from age eleven to now. On the other hand, she’s seriously running shit. She has authored four books on the New York Times bestseller list, hosted her own late-night talk show for seven years, and even scored a spot on Maxim’s Hot 100 list a couple of times. She also has her own column in Cosmopolitan, which is shamelessly my one true goal in life. The book gained widespread success after her first book, My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands impressed readers in 2005. I’m personally intrigued by that one, mainly because I don’t think I’ve got the audacity to read 50 Shades of Grey in public, and a girl’s gotta spice up her day somehow.
It’s important to understand what kind of person you’re reading about when reaching for something on the lighthearted side. Chelsea’s stand-up comedy career launched after she told her DUI story to a class of fellow offenders and realized her delivery was on point. This woman gives me hope that I can continue to be a hot mess and not only not self implode but perhaps even make a career out of it!
Chelsea is a bit of a jerk, but she owns it. While she does have quite the laundry list of things/people she does not like (redheaded men, children, doing favors for friends, going on vacations with family members, restaurants without full bars, etc.), there is one thing she is very vocally passionate about: midgets. This woman really loves midgets and there is an entire chapter devoted to explaining how her self-proclaimed “healthy obsession” developed. I’m pretty indifferent to midgets, but I will admit that my favorite Jackass bit involves them: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jl4ButVeOUQ.
Midgets and all, this book is pretty good. It’s not mind-blowing or anything, but it did its job—it made me laugh, aloud even, and it gave me a brief break from the more serious tone that runs through so many of the books I choose to read. With all of the sadness in life, it is a breath of fresh air. Chelsea doesn’t take a single bit of her life seriously and I respect that. Sure, she’s obnoxious and offensive, but it’s all in the name of her brand of comedy (and I’m not entirely sure that her jokes on controversial topics are reflective of how she truly feels about the issues). She has actually gone through some intense stuff in life—one of her brothers died when she was just nine years old and she had an abortion at age sixteen—but she copes with them through laughter. She might not be your cup of comedic tea but I think that everyone could find at least some part of her book funny. If not, you probably have a giant stick up your ass and you should get that checked out.
Moreover, the writing itself isn’t so simpleminded. Her witticisms are well-executed and you can tell she’s a smart cookie. It’s certainly not something Floyd Mayweather could just pick up and read, according to 50 cent (lol speaking of 50 cent, fun fact: Handler dated him for some time). Overall, I give it 3 out of 5 flames. It gives me some giggles but it isn’t a must-read; it might be a good idea to have on your booklist but you don’t need to drop everything and put it at the top of your queue.
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